Divorce specialist, Colin Kennedy, firmly believes that it is just too easy to walk away from a relationship that has gone south. This missive examines our journey from love to flight and includes practical help with at least some of the process.
In the beginning, you both try to impress the other; there are numerous questions and answers and the great joy of discovery. Everything is new and exciting; you are the envy of your friends, you can't wait until you see each other again. You both make a commitment and share hopes and dreams.
Sex within the marriage is a good and comforting extension of your day to day intimacy. Both of you have a duty to your partnership to maintain open and honest communication. Marriage fails for a multitude of reasons; this writer suggests that the number one relationship killer is a failure for couples to communicate openly.
Consider the man who says his wife will not initiate sex. Men have this need to feel they count; they usually have a need for their spouse to take the lead occasionally. How the female does it is important because the male tends to misread things. He tends not to get the subtle approach. The male, who is usually dominate when it comes to sex, tends to take the lead and ask for sex in his own way. A problem develops when he is rejected six times in a row. He gives up. The problem of course is that he may withdraw and a standoff develops.
Wouldn't it be nice if you both agreed to an open and sincere communication about sex, and about money, and work, and kids, and having a date, and holidays, sharing housework, and sharing some private time for just the two of you? Why not have a date without the kids?
An eroding relationship can be salvaged when you relearn to communicate. If you both can not accept that things are heading south then the erosion will only get worse. Help comes in the form of mediation and joint marriage counseling, but counseling will only work if you both sincerely want to make adjustments and improvements. The internet provides hundreds of sites and articles that suggest ways to save your marriage. Help also comes in the form of financial counseling because the number two relationship killer is how you make and handle your money.
Going, going, gone. One of you has made the decision to bail, but before you run to the divorce court do yourself a major favour - do your preparation work. At this point, the marriage is done; it is now a time to divide the spoils. This can be a dangerous time. One partner may not accept facts and will attempt to circumvent the process. Spousal support won't even be discussed, money is a sore point and there is also a danger of one spouse assuming the role of "nice guy". This partner hopes you will see how fair and reasonable they are and he or she will win you over. In the absence of a workable plan it becomes a painful exercise.
A failing relationship consumes your day and kills your nights. People go crazy with worry about what to do next or how they are going arrange their future. You can roll over and simply wait to be overtaken by events, or you can take some simple steps. Not doing your homework wastes money because without certain knowledge you end up listening to the wrong people, you pay the wrong people, and you get bogged down with indecision. If spousal support money is an issue then you need to seriously start collecting information because it's all about money.
Let me share a valuable tip. Money is important! Child custody issues are often money issues, "I won't give you a divorce" is almost always about money. Marriage is about money, separation is about money, and so is spousal support / alimony. It may be time to call for help.
Alimony is not a given nor is it a pension for life. There are no formal guidelines and only two ways to get spousal support - by consent or by a court order. Colin's book will give you everything you need to resolve alimony money.
Accounting and evaluation of real property and tax issues is a good idea, but when you are feeling overwhelmed it can be a huge worry. Do your homework by making an inventory of property, gather tax information for both parties and make an appointment with an accountant. You can expect to pay about $200 for this one-time objective advice.
Real property, including the matrimonial home and the cottage can be an issue. The value of the properties is calculated by subtracting what is owed from the market value. Market value is defined as what a willing buying will pay today. You can get a free market evaluation from a Realtor. It's his or her job, they know the market and this evaluation is a free service. Explore your options. Do you list the home for sale and split the proceeds? Do you buy out the other?
Usually your current financial circumstances will point the way. That's not so bad because soon enough you'll recover
There are common rules for splitting the proceeds of the matrimonial home. If in doubt consult a real estate lawyer. In fact, you can not sell or re-mortgage the matrimonial home without both parties' knowledge. You do not need a separation agreement in order to divorce; it just makes it much easier on everyone
Children are deeply effected by the split. Be open with them and they will understand. Surprising they will adapt. Unless they are very young, the kids already are aware of the relationship difficulties and there is no sense hiding things from them. Arguing over child support money is a waste of time because In every jurisdiction in North America the courts follow some form of child support guidelines to determine who pays what to whom. If you make babies and separate the law says somebody is going to pay child support based on the payor's income. End of story.
Lawyers and your money go hand in hand. Traditionally couples would seek legal help from a local lawyer, but divorce law has changed so that it is possible to get divorced without paying a lawyer. If you insist on hiring a lawyer then do you homework and understand that your lawyer charges for time not results.
Alternatively, you can beat the high cost of separating by making a serious attempt to reach an agreement by using a written separation agreement. Get the money and kid issues resolved first, then the divorce thing becomes easier and less stressful. Spousal support does not end or start with divorce, nor does spousal support need to be resolved right away. Yes, you can end your marriage today and deal with spousal support down the road.
Recovery can take time. Splitting as a couple is not the end of your life and not all people see it as a failure; some see it as a learning experience and they gain a boatload of wisdom. They have the benefit of their experience and learn to accept the reality. Traditionally, females have a tougher time adjusting, but it is not impossible if you face your new life with a distinctively healthy attitude. Things will get better. That's a promise.
Colin Kennedy is a divorce specialist helping people resolve separation and divorce issues without a lawyer. He can be reached at www.myspousalsupport.com and www.CanDivorce.ca
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